I haven’t written properly on this blog for quite a while.. my life has been busy recently, filled with teaching my first yoga class (!) and working in a little vegan cafe.
With the busyness of life I have forgotten myself. I am sure a lot of people can relate to this, when life gets hectic you don’t have the time for simple practices of self love and it is easy to let it slide..
This has been happening for a few weeks now. I have felt the shift but I don’t think I was really able to put my finger on it. Everyday is different for me, but I think things were building up until this week it just completely got on top of me. I didn’t feel like my best self, that resulted in me not feeling good enough and trying to change things. I spent the week looking at instagram wishing my life could look like some of the people’s lives on there. I started to calorie count (something I haven’t done since I was 16 and in the midsts of my eating disorder) and I really really was just trying to be ‘perfect’.
This never works for me. I can have the self will to do this for a while and then my body takes over, my brain crashes and I end up in bed eating vegan ben and Jerry’s and watching the Gilmore Girls with my boyfriend (this was what I spent the majority of yesterday doing and I’m not going to lie it felt good.)
I know this doesn’t sound healthy at all, but this week has been a massive lesson for me. After a week of slightly forgetting myself and not feeling enough, I now feel stronger in the realisation that I AM ENOUGH.
I am constantly being reminded by the universe to return to self love. To return to things like gratitude, love, happiness etc.. Every time I forget myself it causes me pain, but then I get over that and when I manage to realign myself with who I truly am I feel like a stronger person and more able to be that person.
Life is hard and we are never going to be perfect. Whatever ‘demons’ you carry may always be there, but we shouldn’t put ourselves down just because we deal with shit. EVERYONE deals with shit, and it isn’t the shit we have that defines us but how we deal with it. Does this make sense?
This morning in meditation I had the realisation that everything I have been feeling this past week has developed purely from me spending more time on Instagram. I feel perfectly happy with my body in my daily life, I love who I am and that my body is strong and healthy. But the moment I look on Instagram the voice of comparison kicks up in my head and this is when doubt creeps in. I know I have talked about Instagram before and how it makes me feel, I know other people may not feel like this, but for some reason and probably because of my past, Instagram is just something that I find especially triggering.
I see other girls on there who have perfect bodies and perfect hair, it makes me turn to my own reflection in the mirror and feel sad. It is a slippery slope and if you are not as strong then it can be detrimental… I know that I can choose who I compare myself too. If I compared myself to so many other people in the world I would feel better about myself and feel more grateful for everything that I have. But I am done with comparing myself. I am sick of it..
I have managed to come to the realisation that I am just going to refuse to compare myself to anyone else because it never ever makes me happy. I know this sounds like an obvious realisation but sometimes we all need a reminder of this. Why do we compare ourselves, we are all the same anyways, we are all humans feeling the same emotions and coming up against the same struggles. Why do we feel the need to compare ourself to others… It comes from our ego but our ego is not a good place. It is a place of separation and pain, and if we are making decisions and coming from that place then we are never going to be happy. The only way to dissolve our ego for good is to get present. If you want to learn more about this then I found A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle transformational when I read what he says about the ego.
So my practice right now is going to be align my mind with a good place and focus on self love!
Self love is something that never ends and you just can’t ever stop practicing. I totally notice a difference in my life when I love myself and when I feel as though I lack. When I come from a place of ‘I am not good enough’ and ‘I want to be different’ then it is NOT good. I think because I am a quite intense person that it quickly can move out of control and that is why I have to be super careful where exactly I put my attention. On Wednesday my vision went blurry for a while because of my ‘obsessiveness’ and I just don’t want to sacrifice my happiness and my amazing life right now all to be ‘perfect’.
Just what is ‘perfection’ anyways? What is it? Do we have a definition? Can we ever get there? NO. I don’t believe that we can.. So why do we have to aim for it the whole time? Isn’t this a waste of energy?
I choose to be messy. I choose it right now and I am going to stick to that. My focus for February was to be vulnerable (which I could be trying harder at I will be honest) and with vulnerability comes allowing yourself to be messy.. Messy is so so beautiful.
It feels good to write all of this down, get the words of my chest and have a bit of a rant. I feel so amazing right now just from the simple shift of acceptance in my brain. I know that I am amazing, you are amazing, we ALL are! But we are not perfect, we all have flaws and all have stuff that we might want to change/ improve. But we cannot grow if we are coming from a place of not feeling good enough, because then we will never reach ‘enough’ however ‘perfect’ we can come. What we must do is meet ourself where we are at and go from there. Accept yourself how you are right now, with all your imperfections and then with love work on becoming your highest Self.
Does this make sense? It does to me right now. I can feel it in my heart and that is why I know it has made sense for me. I feel so good and the words are flowing and I have a great big smile on my face, all because I once again feel aligned with my true self.
So I wonder what the message of this post is.. Be messy? Be vulnerable? You are amazing RIGHT NOW?
Whatever message you choose to take away from this, I hope it resonates with you and you can believe it. I hope that you can live your life knowing that you are enough. I believe that when you realise that, when you realise that you are enough then that is when your life will blossom and become so so beautiful. It all starts with knowing that you are enough.
Thank you for taking the time to read this,
I love you all.
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